ALIVE: Chapter 105 In Me

“The journey back to Nazareth is so bumpy that I can’t even pray. My thoughts are jumping around too. I am sorry to be leaving the peace and quiet of my cousin’s home. I have been with her for so long. So much has changed since I arrived. I feel so different from the girl who first went to visit cousin Elizabeth. I feel my baby in me now! I put my hand on my belly and feel my little Boy’s elbows and His feet stretching and kicking. It is marvelous. Praise you my Lord and King, my God! You are awesome, life is awesome! You sent me to Elizabeth to prepare me for what is coming  as I watched her belly grow. I think Elizabeth’s maturity rubbed off on me. I hope so. She was so calm and peaceful, even though she was with child also for the first time in her long life. Thank You! These powerful bodily changes made us both grow, even as our babies within us were growing. Perhaps I affected her too. I hope so. I love You Lord. 

Elizabeth was right. I need to get back to Joseph. I should get to know his children better before my Baby arrives. I feel so awkward entering the family as their step mother. They are good people, not even young children anymore. Maybe this is my chance to be the kind of mother, Mother was to us girls. I wanted that, and I still do. That was her job to care for us and guide us, even though we weren’t the children of her womb. I will try to be wise like Mother to Joseph’s boys and girls. Especially the youngest one, James, who never knew his mother. Thank you Lord for fulfilling my wish. What a great God You are anticipating my desires, teaching and guiding me. I love you so much.” 

When the coach made a rest stop, Mary got out to stretch her legs. It was there that the idea entered her mind to go to Jerusalem before Nazareth. After all, it was still heading north. She could visit visit Mother and the Temple. She would never be able to go alone to visit Mother and her school while she was a mother to her Holy Child.

Mary asked the driver if a caravan going to Jerusalem would be coming by. The driver replied that it was indeed due to come soon. So Mary asked that her satchel be taken off, so she could change coaches. The driver agreed. As the coach reloaded, Mary found herself waiting alone. Summer had just begun and the air temperature was sublime. Not too hot yet, but no longer cool. 

Satchel in hand, Mary found a grassy spot under a big sycamore tree to sit in the shade. “Oh, this is good! I’m so glad not to be bouncing so much. I’ll bet my little Baby is glad too.” Mary stopped to feel if He agreed but there was no movement. “He must be sleeping.” she thought. Just as she bent over to set her satchel down she felt a movement in her. “Yes, my Baby, we will rest together now. Another woman and her two children were approaching, and then a peddler. It was a relief to see others which meant that the coach would be coming soon too. 

Mary realized how hungry she was, so she reached for her satchel and opened it. Elizabeth had packed some dried fish and bread, and a few ripe figs. “Thank you cousin,” she thought. “You will be a good mother.” After she finished her lunch, the coach pulled up and several people disembarked. Mary stood up, brushed herself off, grabbed her satchel and walked over to the coach. 

She approached the driver and asked if he was going to Jerusalem and if he had room for one more. “This is your lucky day my lady. Yes, as a matter of fact I am and I do, which is very unusual for this route.” After fetching her coins to pay him, the driver took her bag and Mary hoisted herself up into the coach being the first one in as the others were still stretching their legs.

This time she managed to dose off en route to Jerusalem and only woke up when the coach stopped again and they had arrived! Mary was exuberant. She climbed out of the coach, looked around at the familiar buildings and took a deep breath of Jerusalem air, a fragrance of flowers and cooking foods.

I am so glad to be home! It’s been so long, like another lifetime ago.

Mary took the satchel from the hands of the driver and started walking to the temple. A young boy ran up to her and asked if he could carry her satchel for her. Mary gladly handed it to him and the two walked together to the temple. 

When they arrived, the boy handed Mary her satchel and waited. She took it, and opened it to look for her change purse. 

“Thank you mam.”

Just then one of her old friends spotted Mary and scurried over to her. “Mary! Is that you?!”

“Yes, Naomi it is! How are you? How is everyone? I am on my way up to Nazareth and decided to stop and visit.”

“Oh! I am glad you did. Everyone will be so happy to see you! I see you are with child already!”

“Thank you. Is mother in her office?”

“I don’t know, but let’s look.”

As they walked to the office other girls greeted Mary and gave her hugs, which she joyfully returned. 

Mother was not in her office, so Mary set the satchel down. “I will just wait here. She is bound to come here and I’d rather not run around campus looking for her.”

Naomi chuckled at the thought, because they were always looking for Mother. Some girls swore that she had the power to disappear when she wanted to. “Good idea. If I see her, I’ll let her know you’re here.”

“No, don’t do that. Let’s make it a surprise.”

Mary was glad to spend a little time alone in Mother's office. She looked around at the familiar room of her youth. The Baby kicked to remind her that she wasn’t alone. “Okay okay,” smiled Mary. “Settle down my sweet. You will meet mother soon.” Mary began to chant quietly to soothe her restless infant. The angels in the room nodded to each other thinking it was the most beautiful chant they’d ever heard. One angel thought he heard Anna’s voice harmonizing with her. The room was filled with peace. Indeed the Infant calmed down too. He even fell asleep. The Holy Baby was sleepy after bouncing around in the coach for so long. 

While she was chanting quietly, as quietly as angels sing who hear each other, Mother entered the room, so Mary stopped immediately, looked up and smiled a smile that said, “Surprise!” Mother took one look at Mary and gasped! “Mary! Is that you? I was just thinking about you this morning. Oh, my dear, how are you and what brings you here?”

Mary stood to greet her and said, “I was visiting my cousin in Judea and just as I was in the coach heading back to Nazareth, it occurred to me to make a detour to visit you.”

“Oh my, how wonderful! How are you, and how is Joseph?” It was then that Mother looked Mary over and noticed her bulging belly. “Mary! Are you with child already?”

“Yes, Mother.” Mary replied very shyly. That was a difficult moment. Mary could not tell her about the Angel. She had to withhold the most powerful moment of her young life, to the most important living person in her life. She had to  appear to have lost her virginity— to Mother—who knew how much her virginity as a reflection of her commitment to God, meant to her. She had to appear to have conceded to the world, to be a typical pregnant blushing bride. The truth was too self-exalting. Mary bowed her head as if ashamed. Mother sensed the conflict in her precious Mary and changed the subject immediately.

“Please stay for a few days. You are welcome to sleep on the divan in my apartment. Will you?” 

“Of course I will! I am so happy to be home.” said Mary, and she was. 

“Come, let’s go to my apartment now. Set your satchel down, wash up  and then we will go to supper. The girls will be so happy to see you Mary.”

“And I am happy to see them. It feels like years have passed since I have been home. How is the chief priest?”

“He is well. Well, let me clarify. He is well again. He passed a difficult Passover. He will be so happy to see you.”

When Mary and Mother entered the dining hall all heads looked up as if by command. “Mary!” A cacophony of greetings startled her. The Baby leaped in her womb. She grabbed her bulging belly to reassure Him. Mother  guided Mary to her own seat and asked the girls to tighten up to make room, she nodded to the servant to bring an extra setting. 

“Mary, how have you been? What brings you here?” inquired Sarah.

“I was visiting my cousin down south, and on the way back, I thought of how how much I would like to visit you, ... and my parents’ tomb.”

“Ooooh.” replied Sarah. “Well. I’m glad you came here. We missed you, we really did. Do you want to go for a walk together after supper?”

“I’d love to Sarah, but I am very tired from the journey, perhaps another day, I will spend a few days here before I go back to Nazareth.”

“Okay.” replied Sara disappointed. 

Indeed after supper, Mary went straight away to the apartment and to bed. She truly was exhausted. Mother had to make her rounds of the dormitories which gave Mary a chance to be alone and rest. 

Mary was already thinking of what she would do the next day; go back to her rose garden, see the priest. Perhaps go into Jerusalem, or she could save that. Sleep fell quickly and gently for both mother and her precious Holy Child.

In the morning Mary visited the kitchen to greet her friends the cooks. Freda prepared a large basket of food for her to take to make sure the young mother was never hungry. Hugs and handshakes were plentiful. Mary peeked into the shed that had been Joseph’s workshop and thought of how much she looked forward to seeing him again. She washed her hands in the fountain and sat on her bench in the rose garden which opened the floodgates of memories that the place held for her. 

She spent the rest of the day in Jerusalem, and bought a new mezuzah for Joseph’s home, and bracelets for her two new daughters. She visited her parents’ tomb and prayed, and chanted. It was a solemn place. She wished they could meet her Baby, that her mom could be with her at the childbirth. She should shun such thoughts. The Lord knows best.

The journey back to Nazareth oddly wasn’t as difficult as the road to Jerusalem.  The transition from Elizabeth’s blessed bubble to the world was more jarring than from the busy Temple and busier Jerusalem to Nazareth. Actually, Mary and her Holy Baby fell into a deep restorative slumber.  She dreamt that she was in Noah’s ark bouncing on the waves, protected and blessed. She woke up to notice that they were near Nazareth already, amazed that she had slept so long, and glad.  

Since she had no way of communicating to Joseph, he was not able to prepare for her homecoming. Life for Jospeh and his children had returned to normal while Mary was gone. At least that’s how it appeared on the outside. Joseph’s heart remained in awe of what the angel and archangel announced.  Even though he had gone through the pregnancies of his first wife so many times, this was different. Before, he was only confronted with the physical manifestations of his wife’s pregnancies, the nausea, the tiredness, the discomfort. Since Mary was still so early in her pregnancy when she left, there were no effects. He wondered if it would be different with Mary who carried in her womb the Son of God. Joseph still quaked at the thought. Along with his other projects, a cabinet, and a set of chairs, Joseph made the cradle for his Son. He made it out of the finest olive wood, and burnished the wood until it felt as smooth as a kitten. While working Joseph had plenty of time to think and to pray with his thoughts. He spoke to God as he spoke to himself. 

Yes, his Son. They couldn’t tell anyone about the Baby. The Child would be raised as his own. Being as old as he was Joseph felt a little proud in the deception, that the village would commend him for his virility. From time to time Joseph wondered when Mary would return and how she may have changed, but it was a useless thought. Time would tell, and he had only to keep up his home and do his work. Fortunately, his daughters were old enough to take care of him and their brothers. Mary wouldn’t have to do any of the cooking or cleaning.  He was glad for her to have her parent’s home to go to from time to time because with the six children his home was loud and busy. In fact, he looked forward to sleeping there too once in a while.

These thoughts percolated throughout Joseph’s mind as he was planing the dresser in his shop and when he looked up to see where the sound and shadow were coming from. Lo and behold! It was Mary carrying her satchel and standing at the threshold of the door. He smiled a big smile of joy and relief that she was home safely. “I was just thinking about you!” Joseph set down his tools and quickly went over to Mary who dropped her bag and they hugged a warm and loving hug. She smelled like freshly cut lilies. Her little womb had popped out. She was beautiful to him. Her skin glowed. 

“My dear! Welcome home? How are you, how have you been? I’m so glad to see you.”

“Me too.” replied Mary with a smile. I am glad to be here.” As the words spilled out of her mouth Mary quickly wondered how truthful they were. She enjoyed the peace and quiet, the sacred space that was Elizabeth’s home. 

“Let’s go home, but first sit here while I finish this. The children will be so glad to see you too, and you can tell me all about your journey.”

“How are the children? I brought them some trinkets from Jerusalem. I hope they like them.” 

“They will love them. They will love you. Jerusalem?”

“Actually on my way back from Judea, I stopped at the Temple and spent a few days with Mother and my sisters. That was wonderful.”

“What a good idea. How is everyone there? How is my old friend?” inquired Joseph. 

“Oh, he is fine. He sends his greetings to you.”

“You must be very tired. Do you want to rest before supper?.”

“Actually no. I slept in the coach. Can you believe that? I slept most of the way here!”

“Have you been ill?” Asked Joseph remembering his wife’s first months in agony.

“No, my dear. Not at all.” 

Joseph was glad to hear that and wondered if it was God’s blessing, since his previous experience with his wife was so wretched. Joseph tidied up his workshop while Mary sat and watched him, thinking, “He is such a meticulous man. He will be a good father to God’s Son, and I will be a good mother.” Mary smiled at the absurdity of the thought of being the father of God’s Son.

Back in Nazareth Mary gradually entered into a new rhythm of life as her Holy Infant, and her God grew hands and fingers, a mind and a heart in her womb. She indulged herself in rest as her new daughters and sons were glad to do all the cooking and cleaning. They looked forward to the birth of their new brother or sister. 

From time to time, she would go back to her home to pray and talk to her Baby aloud. Weeks passed smoothly as Mary rested and her Child grew within her. Everyone was so happy around her. She enjoyed being pregnant more than she ever thought she would. 

“My precious Infant, my Lord. What does our Father have in store for you?” She would chant to Him, and rest and wait. The Infant rested too, and He woke up and stretched. She began to be able to feel His elbows and head most prominently. That was fun. Living in the temple for all those years, she had not been exposed to a pregnant woman before, so she didn’t know what to expect. It was all so new and so magical to her.

On some days she went shopping in the village square for fruits and vegetables, and cloth that merchants brought in from far away. In her eighth month, on the third day of the second week, she heard a good bit of chatter among the villagers. The news was spreading like wildfire that Cesar was calling for a census. The head of every household had to go to the village of their ancestors and report the number in their families. Mary was a little alarmed at the thought as she was about to give birth. At the news, she immediately stopped shopping and went quickly to Joseph’s workshop to tell him. 

“My dear, did you hear that there will be a census and you must go to Bethlehem? What are we to do? Should I stay here? I don’t want to be separated from you when the Baby is born.”

“Yes my dear! I just heard this morning, but it isn’t for a few more weeks. No, we will not be separated. You must come with me. We will travel slowly. We will leave the children here to watch over the house and care for the animals and each other. God will be with us. Don’t fret my dear. You know better than that.” Joseph comforted Mary as best as he could. He hugged her tight and long to help her feel secure. 

“Of course I do. I’m sorry. It’s just that everything is so new and foreign.”

Mary stayed with Joseph at the workshop until the end of the workday and then they walked home together to tell the children.

On the way home, they stopped by the office that arranges coaches.

“I’m sorry Joseph all of the coaches to Bethlehem are booked. People are pouring out of Nazareth. I can rent you a donkey or even two, but that’s all.”

Mary looked at Joseph in shock. “Bethlehem is so far away! A donkey ride!” It had only been several months since she returned from Elizabeth’s home in the Judean hills and even though she was not half as big then as she is now, she remembered how exhausting and uncomfortable the journey was. The thought of bouncing up and down on a donkey all day, for several days was alarming. 

Then she heard Joseph say, “Okay, we’ll take them, two. We have no choice.”

Gasp. Mary gasped out loud and she gasped in her soul. But words did not come. She tried to be calm and wait, wait for prayer time, wait until she was home. She said nothing. Even her face was expressionless after the gasp. But she felt another kick. He was turning, “Oh my! Ouch.” 

“When do you want them? I have a pair returning next week on the fourth day (that is Wednesday). That gives you plenty of time to get to Bethlehem. The people will be coming from all over, you will want to go as soon as you can to secure lodging.” The clerk looked at Mary’s frozen expression and back at Joseph with a measure of sympathy. 

Joseph was quietly thinking. As much as he knew this journey would be difficult for Mary, he figured that the longer he put it off, the harder it would be. She was due to deliver in a month. “Okay, Can we come on the sixth day next week?  Let’s give the pair a chance to rest before they go back.” 

“That’s fine. I will need a deposit. There is a great demand for these animals, the ones you will get are the finest, they are strong and young. You and your wife will be fine.”

“I don’t understand how the coaches could be so full, when we just learned of the decree. We would be more fine if you had room in a coach.” said Mary quietly to Joseph as they turned to walk away from the transportation office. 

The clerk smiled in agreement and said, “but we don’t Joseph, not even for you and your young wife. I don’t know why you didn’t hear the news sooner. It was first announced last week.” Joseph nodded in acceptance and reached into his pouch for the payment. Mary’s eyes were glazed over. She refused to think about the situation until she was home alone and could pray.

As they were walking away Mary said to Joseph, “How could the Lord let this happen? Joseph, can we go to my home tonight? I need to prepare for the journey.” 

“Yes, my beloved. I am sorry. We have a little time. Let’s go to my home first, the girls will have supper prepared by now. We will talk to the children and then go to your place, okay?”

“Yes, that’s fine.” 

Mary and Joseph walked silently the rest of the way. Mary concerned for the baby, and Joseph working out the logistics of his workload, his impatient customers, and his children. 

When they arrived at home the girls were exuberant and the boys were hungry. “Mary! You’re back! Oh papa, guess what! Rachel is getting married! Isn’t that wonderful. His parents chose her for their son David!” 

Joseph’s reaction was less than exuberant. He wondered why David’s parents didn’t ask his permission first. This was most unusual. Besides, he wasn’t ready to part with his firstborn daughter just yet. It was hard enough to have his two oldest sons marry and leave home. It had meant more work for everyone. “Let’s talk about this later. We too have an announcement. Mary and I must go to Bethlehem for the census. We leave next week on the third day. You will be on your own again. I have a project to finish first, so I will be working late. Tonight Mary and I will go to her home. Now, let’s eat!”

Rachel looked at Mary inquisitively, wondering how she felt about making such a long journey in her condition. Mary appeared tranquil which mystified Rachel, but she didn’t say anything.

After supper Joseph and Mary walked to her home. They went inside, Joseph started a fire in the hearth to warm up the place. Mary lit candles and found a cloth and dusted off the counters and table. 

“Ah” said Joseph  “Now we feel at home.” 

“Yes, I love this home. I am so grateful for it, and for my parents. I miss them so very much.”

“I know you do, I do too.”

“I’m so glad that you knew them.”

“Shall we read together?”

“Yes, I would like that.”

Mary sat herself on her divan while Joseph walked over to the small altar Joachim has built in his home to create an exalted place for his Torah and book of prophets. Joachim was proud to have been one of only a handful of elders in the village to own these sacred books. He had read them over and over again. He treated them as one would treat gold and emerald gems. Neither Anna, nor Mary ever dared to remove the books from their altar, for no other place on earth would be worthy to set them down. On this occasion, when Mary and even Jospeh were confused about being forced to make the difficult journey in her condition, they sought solace in the words of the Lord. Joseph carefully picked up the treasured Book of the Prophets and carefully carried it to the divan. He sat close to Mary but they pivoted to face each other while he read.

As King David had done in so many times of distress Joseph merely opened the book and let his eyes fall on the words God. “Mmm. How obscure?” He had opened to the short Book of Micah and read aloud, “Now you are walled around with a wall; siege is laid against us; with a rod they strike the ruler of Israel on the cheek. “But you, O Bethlehem of Ephrathah, who are one of the little clans of Judah, from you shall come forth for Me, one who is to rule in Israel, whose origin is from of old, from ancient days. Therefore He shall give them up until the time when she who is in labor has brought forth; then the rest of his kindred shall return to the people of Israel. And he shall stand and feed his flock in the strength of the Lord, in the majesty of the name of the Lord his God. And they shall live secure, for lo he shall be great to the ends of the earth; and he shall be the one of peace.”

As Joseph spoke these words, and his eyes fell on the word Bethlehem, He was startled. God was speaking to them from ancient days! To them! He stopped and looked up at Mary. 

While reading Joseph hadn’t noticed Mary’s eyes growing bigger and bigger. “Oh my!!! This is about Me, about my Baby! This was shocking, but affirming. Of course she knew since the visitation of the Angel that her Son was holy, but somehow to be reading the scripture that foretold His birth flabbergasted her and Joseph. They were in awe, and they were both humbled by the revelation. Joseph stopped reading and set down the book. He took Mary’s delicate hand in his rough hand and held it tight. They were silent. They bowed their heads in awe and humility. 

After several moments, Joseph picked up the book from his lap and handed it to Mary. She took it and held it close to her heart. Then, she lifted it to her lips and kissed it. Then, she shut her eyes and, again as David did, she opened the book and handed it to her husband to read. 

Joseph took the book in both hands and read where his eyes landed on the page. Mary had opened toward beginning of the long book of Isaiah, “Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign. Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and shall call his name Emmanuel.”

He skipped over a few pages and continued, “But there will be no gloom for those who were in anguish. In the former time he brought into contempt the land of Zebulum and the land of Naphtali , but in the latter time he will make glorious the way of the sea, the land beyond the Jordan, Galilee of the nations. The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who lived in a land of deep darkness—on them light has shined. ...

For a child has been born for us, a Son is give to us; authority rests upon his shoulders; and he is named Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. His authority shall grow continually and there shall be endless peace for the throne of David and his kingdom. He will establish and uphold it with justice and with righteousness from this time on and forevermore. The zeal of the Lord will do this.”

Joseph put down the book and looked up to see streams of tears emanating from Mary’s big brown eyes. She could hardly contain herself. So overwhelmed was she by the magnitude of what Joseph read, of what she was a small part of. Mary felt like a speck of gold in the earth. A tiny spec. It was that evening after months of thinking of very little but her developing pregnancy that the magnitude of what was happening struck her. But even then, she was only being given a glimpse of God’s will for her and her Son. 

Joseph interrupted her thoughts to say, “Let’s go to bed. This day has been full enough.” 

Mary wiped her face with her flowing blouse, and rose from the divan as best as she could considering the weight of her bulging womb. She and Joseph changed into their bedclothes and washed their faces. And then they went to bed. Joseph held her in his arms, her head nestled in the crook of his shoulder. She felt again like Joseph was her guardian Angel. He would always take care of her and protect her. Her mind was so full, that she couldn’t stop thinking. She felt more comfortable thinking in bed, in the dark. Soon she heard Joseph snoring. 

“How dare I be worried about taking the trip. How dare I think about my discomfort from riding the ass. Oh my soul, remember papa. Remember all the times that old man rode the ass from Nazareth to Jerusalem for love of me. How he must have suffered, struggling to stay erect, pain in his back and hands holding the ropes, mile after mile, hour after hour. Now, it is my turn. The Lord told the prophet to write that down, for me. To strengthen me. Glory be My Lord. He sent me the message from so long ago, that I need to do this. Then I must be able to, not just willing to. I am here to fulfill His will. For love of God, I will go on that journey. My Child, His Child is to be born in Bethlehem. I can do this. I will do this. Lord, help me.

But THE BABY, oh the poor Infant to bounce around like that. How much suffering will my Infant have to endure? It won’t be easy for Him, who should be welcomed into the world with down feathers and roses. OH what world could I be imagining? This world of oppression, of anger, and resentment of the Roman domination. The powerful using the lives of the powerless to their advantage that my little King, my little Savior enters. Trust. Trust. Trust. My poor Son. Show us that God has not abandoned us. You my little one, pure and innocent, helpless Savior, God made man. This is almost too much for me to comprehend. How can I shield you from the pain and sorrows of this world? If we must endure the journey to Bethlehem together as one, then perhaps as the prophets strengthened me... then she thought a bit.

You always knew this! You always knew that You and I would have to endure this journey. What else will You have to endure my child and My God?”

In silence, waiting for an answer that never came, Mary fell gently into a deep and restorative sleep.