ALIVE: Chapter 174, Agony

Mother Mary couldn’t fall sleep that night and she didn’t know why. She felt the tingling of nervousness, like blood boiling in the veins of her arms, and she could feel her stomach in her throat. She was alone in her house that night. Passover was in two days and she had plans to celebrate at her neighbor’s house. She didn’t know where her Son and His disciples were going to eat the first seder. Passover meal. She spent the sleepless time thinking about her mother and father and her beloved house-mother who raised her from childhood. They were all in Hades. What could that be like? How awful. She prayed for them. Holidays always caused her to miss them more. How she yearned for the affection and advice of her father and the deep love and sisterhood of her mother, and the guidance of her house-mother who had also passed decades before. Gradually, Mary lulled herself to sleep with this deep sense of loss and grief that time didn’t heal.

On their way from the upper room to the Mount of Olives, or so the disciples thought, as it was their familiar destination, Jesus stopped at a place across the brook Kidron where there was a garden called Gethsemane. This was a regular stop on their way up. It was very late, but the brightness of the star-filled sky fortunately illuminated their path enough. To the man, each disciple was very sleepy. The supper had been so intense, and they had so much to process of all that Jesus said and did there, all they wanted to do, was to get to camp and sleep. As if that wasn’t enough, the anxiety of a betrayal of Jesus almost finished them off so they could barely walk.

Jesus declared, “Men, sit here while I go to pray. My heart is heavy and I need to commune with My Father. Peter, James, John, come with Me.”

The three looked up and, being too sleepy to even speak they obediently just stepped out of the group to follow Jesus while the others gladly looked around for places to lie down and nap. No one questioned why they had to stop before arriving at their hideaway although the thought occurred to Matthew that he should be grateful not to have to hike farther upward.

When they reached a large sycamore tree surround by lush grass, Jesus stopped again and turned to Peter, James, and John and confided in them, “My soul is so exceeding sorrowful that I feel that I could die right here and now. I need to go a little ways to be alone and pray to My Father. Please stay right here, stay awake to watch for My enemy to appear. I know he is coming.”

The three favorite men nodded solemnly, too sleepy to verbalize their consent.

Jesus walked a stone’s throw away and fell to His knees, and then crouched until His face was on the ground smelling the rich earth and feeling the coolness of the grass. He prayed with all His heart and soul saying, “My Father, if it is possible, I beg of You to let this cup pass away from Me.”

As His passionate plea welled up from His heart, tears trickled from His eyes. He paused to listen for a reply which never came, so He added whispering, “Nevertheless My Father, not My will, but Yours be done.”

His angel couldn’t endure the anguish any more and gradually became visible. Jesus recognized this angel, one of His favorites, who said nothing, but simply pulsated light. The vision amused Jesus enough to strength Him. With his little light show, the angel seemed to say, “Remember us. We are with You. Be strong.”

The strength the angel brought Him helped Jesus pray more earnestly in His agony. His sweat became as great drops of blood that dripped onto the earth. He managed to whisper again, “Nevertheless My Father, not as I will, but may Your will be done.” Awake from His own fear and disappointment over His Father’s silence, Jesus went back to check on His men.

When He reached where He left them He looked around and saw them strewn on the ground snoring so He said, loud enough to wake them up, “Peter! Couldn’t you watch with Me for just  one hour?”

Peter, James, and John woke up fast and looked up squinting to see Jesus in the starlight.

After seeing that they had awakened, Jesus added, “PLEASE, watch and pray, that you don’t enter into temptation [as I am]! You have no idea how painful this is. May you never. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak. I’m going back now, I just came to see how well you were guarding Me.”

More exhausted than ever after being admonished on top of the other stresses of the night, the men sadly watched Jesus walk away again. John would never forget the shame he felt at that moment.

When Jesus arrived at the spot where He had been praying, He stopped, took a deep breath, looked up at the starry sky, His heart and throat trembling said, “My Father, if this cup cannot pass away, except I drink it, Your will be done.”

Silence.

Jesus was too emotional to say any more and decided that He would check to see if His men were still awake. As He was disappointed by the Father’s silence, He was again disappointed by seeing James, John, and Peter, His chosen most beloved, asleep again. He didn’t even bother to wake them up, but instead went back to His own spot and again, lifted His eyes to the starry cloudless heavens and assured His Father, confirming that above all, above the heavens and all the stars was His primary desire to do the will of His Father, as painful and sorrowful as it would be.

It is one thing to suffer from an illness, or from a situation that comes unexpectedly. It is another, to suffer from a mean enemy. But for any reason the suffering comes, to suffer willingly and nobly is holy, unworldly, Christ-like.

In situations when the suffering could be avoided, sidestepped, eliminated entirely and easily, but instead the person allows the suffering and raises it to a purposeful level, to be endured with grace, that kind of suffering becomes even more poignant.

God is watching.

Jesus suffered too, and fought with Himself to sidestep it. He had begged His Father not to go through what was coming. Every person alive who has begged God fervently to remove his or her suffering without relief of any kind, must keep this moment in mind. Silence from the Father.

Finally, to pursue suffering as Jesus Christ did, in order to give relief to an enemy is love. Love rises above the laws of nature into the heavens, where God Who is love, dwells. This is where Jesus was heading. He suffered on this night, fighting His own will to not have to go through the shame and pain of crucifixion. His human nature craved running away, and yet, His human nature also and more so craved to do His Father’s will.

To surrender to God’s will in every situation of suffering, no matter how painful, and to see the suffering as purposeful, is to force one’s self through the narrow gate to eternal life in the Kingdom of God.

Girded with such courage and love, Jesus took a deep breath of cool Jerusalem night air imbued with the fragrance of cedar and was ready to face His enemies and receive their arrogance. He lowered His face, turned around and walked back to His sleeping companions.

He woke them up by saying in a little louder than normal voice, “Sleep on now, and take your rest.” Then in a more serious tone, “The hour is at hand, and the Son of man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. Then He decided to wake them up. “Peter.  James.  John. Wake up, let’s go back to the others. He is near who betrayed Me.”

Peter, James, and John were shocked. They knew that this would happen, they were told by Jesus, but on THIS of all nights, just before the Passover, after that intense supper, and in the middle of the night! Groggy, the three disciples felt surreal, wondering if they were still sleeping. What were they going back to find?

Meanwhile mother Mary was having a fitful night. Tossing and turning. She had no idea of what was happening, but she sensed evil. Oh that her mother was here to comfort her, or her beloved Father Joachim who adored her so much! All alone on this sleepless night, all she could do was pray.

Giving up trying to sleep Mary sat up, and started to chant. This comforted her.